And he wonders why he has hip problems?!

EPISODE 10: Moe 'N Joe

Only two things happened this week to further the narrative of Season Six of the Sopranos: Johnny Sack entered a guilty plea and Vito returned to Jersey. I will freely and voluntarily admit that the Janice = Livia sidecar was worthwhile, but it can't be said to have taken us into uncharted territory. It's more of a continuation of Chase's attempt to make Janice, now that Livia is no longer with us, the person currently on TV most likely to make me punch myself in the nuts. Point taken... painfully.

As for Johnny Sack's allocution, it set the dominos in motion for what I hope is a more action-driven final two episodes. Honestly, the same can be said for Vito's returning to Jersey. No way that ends well for him... it almost feels like he's looking for suicide by cop. He wasn't happy at home, so he did what he did (ad nauseum) and now he CAN'T go home. So what does he do? Go back to Tony or Sil with hat in hand or just hole up in a rat-infested motel and kill himself? It doesn't look like even he knows yet, but if he drives by Satriale's too many more times, that decision is going to be made for him. Hopefully it happens soon, so we can get on with the war with New York and Jersey.

*****

Something strikes me as I write "hopefully something happens SOON" for the 1000th time... Chase and co. used a cinematographic device they almost never use in "Mr. and Mrs. John Sacrimoni Request": the explicit leap forward in time. After three episodes centered around Tony in the hospital, "Request" begins with Rusty Milio receiving an invitation to Allegra's wedding... fade to black... and then "SIX WEEKS LATER." This was a conceit that I questioned somewhat on our podcast (which can now be subscribed to on iTunes, by the way). It felt amateurish, unnecessary and could have been accomplished with the already existing dialogue in the episode where Tony told Melfi he had been in a hospital bed at home for a month and a half. But, it served a purpose that pleased most viewers, judging from the internet uprising against dream sequences, which was getting Tony out of the hospital and away from the coma-induced dreams. Now, my question is this: Why was this potentially lengthy but interesting storyline (and all the power-struggle/crisis at home side-stories it could have produced) truncated in this way in favor of six weeks of Johnnycakes? WTF?!?!? I would much rather have seen the fallout from Sil's failure under pressure, internal strife with a leadership vacuum while Tony rehabbed and moped (which he does well), and a horse head in Sir Ben's bed than six weeks of Vito and Morgan Spurlock shacked up in New Hampshire. The writers seem not only to have squandered an opportunity from a narrative perspective but have also done so... ahem... with no viable exit strategy.

Vito getting caught by Finn at the construction site was water cooler fodder at its finest. It produced weeks' worth of "Holy Shit! That's going to be an interesting problem to have to resolve!" But after six weeks of Vito getting his hips displaced, I really don't care how it is resolved anymore... I just want it resolved. As I've said before, my main problem with it is not that Vito is gay, but that Gannascoli is not an actor who can carry six weeks worth of primary storyline. In inimitable Chase fashion, he has left untouched Bacala's shooting the rapper to boost album sales and AJ's bungled assasination attempt on Jun, not to mention we still don't know where the Russian interior decorator is... but we get half an already short season dedicated to THIS?! At this point, I don't even want an explanation of why the writers thought this was a good idea... I just want it overwith.

*****

Johnny Sack's plea dredged up the "I can talk about by Family but them's fightin' words if you do" scenario. Just as Phil trashed Johhny at the wedding for breaking down and then toed the party line when comments were made by an outsider, this episode showed Tony and Sil doing the same thing. They renounced Johnny as a friend and man of honor, but when Sal Vitro referred to him as "guilty" the stonewalling commenced.

Nice Fila track suit on Tone, by the way. I gotta get one of those. Or I could just start a Sopranos Fila Track Suit Counter, like the guy who does the Sopranos F-Bomb Counter.

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Live from the Pine Barrens is a Go

Finally, after much weeping, rending of garments and gnashing of teeth, my boy Nate D-O-Double has come through with a great new site where we will post our podcasts... Check it out.

LIVE FROM THE PINE BARRENS

Also, found a comprehensive history of the DiMeo (Soprano) Crime Family on Wikipedia. Nicely done.

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Link: Mel Kiper's NFL Draft Drinking Game

How pissed am I that I didn't find this before the draft?

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This isn't Gwyneth Paltrow's head is it?

EPISODE 8: Johnnycakes

Skipped last week for time reasons and was tempted to skip this week based on not being able to remove my head from the commode after seeing Vito's "afternoon delight" with Morgan Spurlock. However, watching AJ pretend to be Frank White with everyone acting like his best friend until the tab came (or until they needed to break an apartment lease and still get their deposit back) revived another Sopranos memory for me... Tony's image of the "dancing bear."

AJ got a taste of what it's like to be on display this week, just as Tony did when Cusamano and his band of Merry Boardroom Dipshits pretended, in the massively genius episode "A Hit is a Hit," that the books of their Country Club were going to be opened soon just to get Tony on the golf course and jack him up with questions about John Gotti and the realism of The Godfather trilogy.

Other analogous situations are Christopher's forays into the movie business, Artie's attempt to invest in the French liquer that probably never existed and Paulie's being completely out of sorts in Italy in the episode "Commendatori." In short, when a Sopranos character tries to operate outside the area into which he has compartmentalized himself, the consequences are simultaneously funny and revealing. Chase's point seems to be that, even though these characters are, for the most part, big fish, New Jersey is a relatively small pond, and none of them are above looking lost or being treated with a lack of respect. Even the Eighth Wonder of the World, who could wreck shop on 3 T. Rexes while swinging from huge vines and juggling Ann Darrow between his hands and feet, had no chance once he was taken out of his natural habitat.

Tony may be the Boss of Jersey, but "the mayonnaises" are more interested in John Gotti, a preening, high profile former Boss from New York, who talked his way into prison for the rest of his life. AJ may be the son of the Boss of Jersey, but the idiots he surrounds himself with just want him around to get them into places that wouldn't lift the velvet rope otherwise and, once they ride his coattails in, they show their gratitude by letting him pick up the tab. Christopher may be a Captain and be like God to the dopeheads and degenerate gamblers in Jersey, but Jon Favreau and Ben Kingsley give two shits about Jersey. Even Paulie, when the guys go to Italy on bee-za-nees, can't find any friends in the old country other than putan's.

It really plays out as an illustrative sub-theme of Chase's primary theme, which is that people's personal lives can be so complex that mob life may actually easier to manage, and that, while the characters are in a line of business that most of us are unfamiliar with, their lives consist of the same bullshit we all have to deal with on a daily basis. Very cool, and an arguably more powerfully delivered message since, if you look close enough, Chase is preaching the opposite of what the Italian anti-def people and detractors of The Godfather harp on. This is not a glorification of Italian mafiosi, actually quite the opposite. These are real people, who just happen to have a very different job/lifestyle than the rest of us, but who also have shitty cell service, wives and kids who bust their balls and co-workers they can't stand. They too do dumb things for love or to hurt those they love. They too stereotype Middle Easterners as Al-Qaeda, eat cold cuts out of the fridge and are momentarily paralyzed with a knee to the nuts... and then they go slice people up in the back room of a butcher shop and feed them to junkyard dogs.

*****

On a related note, good news for gamers! The Sopranos video game was announced today and is slated for an October release on XBox and PS2. Obviously they hope to buy us off for the next decade while Chase and Co. tinker with the final season, but I'm not even going to pretend like I won't buy it.

*****

Favorite line from the past 2 weeks? "Enjoy ya success!" Little Carmine "The Belt Buckle" Lupertazzi, not knowing what else to say to Lauren Bacall, but knowing she's important enough to be respectful to.

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11th Hour Draft Shakeup: Bush to Ain'ts

Damn! Although the Houston Texans aren't my favorite NFL team, I was selfishly hoping they would take Reggie Bush with the 1st pick of this year's draft so that I might be able to catch him in person a time or two this season. And, although I'm not going to lose any sleep over it, the armchair GM in me still wonders why they didn't trade down to stockpile another pick or two. The demand for Reggie must not have been as high as most people thought in a pick-for-pick(s) trade. Makes sense with the Saints representing that they were not actively looking for a RB (although they must have had their fingers crossed pretty tight to have Reggie fall into their lap) and the Titans in dire need of a QB if they want to be able to continue to mistreat McNair, but I was very surprised the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets didn't move up to get Reggie and let the Texans move down for Mario or D'Brick. Mario may have gone to the Saints in a move-down scenario, but D'Brick would have still been there at 4, and H-town could have helped their big picture by increasing their number of picks. According to the Pick Value Chart, the difference between the 1st and 4th pick is 1200 points. So the Jets would have had to give up their other 1st Rounder (29th pick) and their first 2nd Rounder (35th pick) to get to 1190 points. The Texans probably wanted something else thrown in for the price of poker, but the Jets still would have had a 3rd, two 4ths, a 5th and a 7th left, so I'm thinking they screwed the pooch on this one but, like I said, I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. The only effect it has on me is that my boys have to play Reggie twice a year, but I'm thinking Monte Kiffin can handle it.

Speaking of the Bucs, they picked up some much needed help on the O-line, some youth on the D-line and a monster receiver in former Nittany Lion Maurice Stovall, who fell to the third round. Mo was somewhat overshadowed by the Great White Hope, Jeff Samardzija, last year, but managed nearly a 17 yard per catch average and has great size (6'4"/220). On top of that, he played against some real competition last year, including Michigan, USC, Tennessee and The Ohio State University, and while strength of college schedule is not something that gets a lot of PT from "Pompadour" Mel Kiper, it is a decent predictor of the amount of time it will take a player to acclimate to the speed, skill and ferocity of the NFL game.

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What's a guy gotta do ta get some Johnnycakes over here?

EPISODE 6: Live Free or Die

Been extra busy this week so this entry is definitely in arrears (not in a Vito kind of way). A few quick hits:

• I forgot how hard Chrissy's "important bidness" walk makes me laugh. Check out the way he hoofs it into the Bing to tell Tony about meeting Sal's cousin from Yonkers at AA.

• Another Chris classic in this episode comes when he's talking to the "third party" who's going to outfit the Neapolitan "tailors" with some "scissors." Chrissy laughs off the talk about Vito at first, but then admits that there could be some truth to the rumor. He says, "Some guys went down to the Shore to see him; he was with his goomar... As soon as he saw 'em he took off like a bat on a hill." A bat on a hill?! Nice. On a side note, the Episode Guide on the official website calls the third party "heroin addict Corky Caporale." And it looks like he will be more than a bit player as IMDB suggests his role will be protracted over at least 2 more episodes. I don't know about Corky, he may fold under questioning.
  

• Hadn't heard of Johnnycakes before, but then again I've never been to New Hampshire. They could have been fictionalized just to add to the gay theme by having Vito say, "Give me the Johnnycakes," to Morgan Spurlock. Who knows? Who cares? I'm ready for the decision on Vito to be made one way or the other. Joseph Gannascoli got on my nerves WAY before they made him a leering, Finn-harassing, construction worker-blowing Village Person.

• Finally, and most importantly, Tony really has found his Ojibwe roots if he thinks he can just say "I'm the boss and I say he gets a pass," and have his whole Family toe the party line on Vito. No chance in hell. Not saying he's wrong, but that whole world revolves around the perception of respect, and Jersey is already being pushed around by New York. First rule of holes? Stop digging.

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A Guy's Guide to Throwing your Boss Under the Bus

EPISODE 5: Mr. and Mrs. John Sacrimoni Request...

Ok, I give up. After five seasons of this, one would think I would know better than to try and predict Chase's story arc, particularly based off of scenes from the next. It turns out that it was Johnny Sack's voice asking Tony for help (I orginally thought it was Phil) and when Phil says "Our friend there... John wants him gone," he's actually talking about Rusty Millio (Frankie Valli) instead of Tony. I still believe there will ultimately be a war between NY and NJ, but, based on this week's developments, it could go in a completely different direction. So here I am, in the same paragraph where I have sworn off predictions, trudging out on another limb. Chew on this potential storyline for a bit, though:

Phil was clearly talking out of school after Johnny's involuntary perp walk in front of Allegra's guests. Even Tony, who, like the rest, practices situational ethics when it comes to following mob guidelines, felt the need to defend Johnny against Phil's insults. For a brief moment, Phil seemed to recognize that a line may have been crossed in his response to the "outsider" who commented on Johnny's plight, but then went directly back to his rant. Of course Chrissy, who can always be trusted to be himself (i.e. one whose impulsivity lets those outside the Family know what he is thinking), agrees with Phil, and Tony's frustration is evident. However, now that Phil, who appears to be the acting boss while Johnny Sack is a guest of the government, has a lesser opinion of Johnny, could it be that he will rise up in mutiny against Johnny? If so, the story could play in several different ways. First, Phil could have designs on the top spot himself. If he ascended to the throne, he would have no one within the Family with the power to overrule his vendetta against Jersey for Tony B.'s actions last season and the further insult of his not being allowed to avenge his brother himself. I think this is less likely because, as of now, his power appears to come from his proximity to Johnny and not from his own leadership abilities.

A more likely scenario could be Phil, knowing that Rusty would have more support than himself as successor to Johnny, allies himself with Rusty and ousts Johnny. In this circumstance, all he would have to do in order to carry out his blood grudge against Jersey would be whisper in Rusty's ear that Tony accepted the contract on Rusty. Then Diminished-Capacity Tony would have put his whole Family at risk by caving to Johnny Sack again (the first being his agreement on the Barone Sanitation sale), and for what... because in his condition it wasn't worth arguing over? We'll have to wait and see but, while it's probable that I will be sheepishly retracting this theory next week, either of these scenarios would bring a fair bit of action to our Sunday nights.

Speaking of Chrissy being Chrissy, as much as he loves movies, shouldn't he brush up on his I's and II's? First, in Season One, it was "Louis" Brasi who slept with the fishes after he killed Email, and now no Italian can refuse a request from a man whose daughter is getting married? He's clearly spending too much time renting "Kundun" and waiting for Scorsese at red carpets and too little time worrying about following what amounts to racketeer scripture. This young generation has no respect.

***

A few other thoughts on this week's episode...

First, to return to a previous observation, the guys are pretty much done with their sympathy for Tony. I said before, in my review of Mayham, that the writers have quite realistically handled people's short attention spans for those situations that don't directly affect them. Of course, Tony's health affects who the guys kick up to, but not their health or overall well-being, in their minds anyway. Tony as the boss of Jersey is the best thing that ever happened to most of these dolts, but a guy like Vito is talking with Larry Barese about taking over? Please! I am done with Vito altogether, and it looks like the writers are as well. He can't unring the bell of being caught in the gay bar, so it's only a matter of time. With the combination of Tony's weakened state, his focus on reasserting his dominance, and Jersey's step-child status in relation to New York, a face-saving decision on Vito is an easy one, assuming he hasn't taken care of the problem in that hotel room already. My original point on this, though, was that Tony was at the pork store poker game for all of 3 minutes before the guys were ready to talk about something... anything... other than his surgery and condition. And Chrissy, with his mine's-bigger-than-yours scar contest? The first of Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power is never outshine the master, but I guess a mobster who can't quote Part I accurately probably hasn't read that either.

Finally, I have read countless opinions this week on why Tony picked "Penne Arrabiata" to make an example out of in Satriale's. Alan Sepinwall with the Star-Ledger sums up the three most popular in his column this week:

Perry was the ideal choice for three reasons: 1) his physique (making the victory more impressive), 2) he was the only guy in the room hot-headed enough to fight back (ibid), and 3) he's really just an overgrown kid ('My mom says I should count 10, but I never remember') with muscles but no street smarts.

I would add one to the top of that list and make those 1(b)(c) and (d). While those are all good reasons, and backed up by the camera (as Tony) sizing everyone up, I think the primary reason is that Perry is the only one in the room who isn't a made guy. Of course, Tony has put his hands on a made guy before (Ralphie, after he had beat the stripper to death and disrespected the Bing), but that was out of rage. This was a premeditated move on Tony's part. He took to heart Melfi's admonishment to show the guys he's still himself and, when it doesn't require too much effort, Tony tries to avoid breaking mob rules without casue. He showed us earlier in the episode, albeit gently, that he thought Phil was out of line when sharing his thoughts about Johnny Sack in public.

Finally, based on the expressions of the crew once Tony was finished, am I the only one who felt a twinge that his plan may have backfired? Maybe not. Maybe it was just extreme enough to rein them back in, without making him appear unstable and untrustworthy. However, if a war with NY starts and Tony wavers at all or they think he is too unstable to win it, we could see Jersey rise up against its boss as well. I realize that these are all doomsday scenarios, but the show has a finite amount of time left to tie up its loose ends, so something drastic could happen... and soon. Of course Chase will either (A) do the exact opposite of everything I have surmised or (B) never mention it again. Oh well...

Just for giggles, here's a link to another Star Ledger writer, Matt Zoller Seitz. He was the Sopranos beat writer for the first three seasons and continues to weigh in each week in his blog. The comments function as a great message-board-style dialogue.

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Link of the Fu@&in' Day

Sopranos weekly f-bomb counter ... They kiss their mothers with those mouths?

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Dateline: Outrageous phone bills

Wonder if this guy forgot that text messages aren't included in the base plan? And how many times do you get caned for 218 trillion dollars worth of theft of service if you get 4 lashes for egging cars?

Phil Ivey is my hero.

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Dateline: A Cave Somewhere

Osama blooper reel leaked to Al Jazeera.

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