In honor of the coming premiere of the Sixth Season of 24, here are some of my favorite Jack Bauer Facts. And yes, I know these are a spin-off of the Chuck Norris Facts, but Jack Bauer flosses with Chuck Norris' tiny penis... and no, that doesn't make him gay. He just understands the importance of dental hygiene.
- The only reason you're conscious right now is that Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
- Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
- Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 Cent is a bitch. He then proceeded to wrestle an alligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
- On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
*****
The illustration above was done by Antony Hare, a Canadian graphic artist. Check out his others. I especially like Christopher Wallace and Christina Ricci. He also imposes quite a Chairman of the Board feel upon George Clooney.
If you don't know, now you know...
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