Saddam Hussein executed today.

Slate summarizes today's news on the subject. Among his last words was a simple "Moqtada," in sarcastic reply to guards taunting him by chanting the name of upstart Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr, whose father and 2 brothers were gunned down in 1999 by men assumed to be working for Saddam.

Moqtada was the subject of Newsweek's November 28, 2006, cover story.

If you don't know, now you know...

Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

In honor of the coming premiere of the Sixth Season of 24, here are some of my favorite Jack Bauer Facts. And yes, I know these are a spin-off of the Chuck Norris Facts, but Jack Bauer flosses with Chuck Norris' tiny penis... and no, that doesn't make him gay. He just understands the importance of dental hygiene.

1. The only reason you're conscious right now is that Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
   
2. Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
3. Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 Cent is a bitch. He then proceeded to wrestle an alligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
4. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
5. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
6. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
7. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
8. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
   

*****

The illustration above was done by Antony Hare, a Canadian graphic artist. Check out his others. I especially like Christopher Wallace and Christina Ricci. He also imposes quite a Chairman of the Board feel upon George Clooney.

If you don't know, now you know...

DVD Release Countdown: The Departed

According to Amazon.com, the 2-disc Special Edition DVD of The Departed is set to be released on February 13, 2007. I saw it 3 times in the theater and 45 more days seems like an eternity. I'll be watching with my glass of cranberry juice at 5:01 p.m.

Amazon's information on this release's Special Features is sparse, but it looks like there will at least be some deleted scenes with introductions by Scorsese, a Boston mob history (probably focusing on Whitey Bulger), a Turner Classic Movies documentary on Scorsese and a featurette on Little Italy's influence on Scorsese. The front and back full-size shots of the cover found here indicate there probably won't be a feature-length commentary by Scorsese and/or any of the actors. If that comes about in the future, though, it will definitely be worth a re-up. Also, I'm more than a little disappointed that there appears to be no featurette on the adaptation process from Infernal Affairs. Again, not deterred in the least from picking it up on Day 1.

The poster to the right is one I'd never seen before. Amazon has it up on its Infernal Affairs page as an alternate DVD cover.

If you don't know, now you know...

That Damn Karzai!

Terrell Owens Blames Poor Game On Drew Bledsoe, Offensive Line, Hamid Karzai, NASA, Samsung

DALLAS—Troubled, underperforming Dallas wide receiver Terrell Owens lashed out in a press conference at the Cowboys practice facility...

Unfortunately, it looks like the jihad not only includes "Team America" but also "America's Team."

By the way, pretty cool node feature from the Onion.

If you don't know, now you know...

SNL Gift Guide

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Sleeper Cell awakes in its final episode

I'll be honest... I had a hard time suspending disbelief to the extent that a rogue agent could kidnap the wife of, locate and set up a slap-boxing appointment with this show's equivalent of Osama. But it sure made for one hell of a season finale. I loved the stripped-down Western "shootout on the streets of a ghost town" ending incongruously set in the Yemeni desert. It reinforces that even with all the remote bomb detonations, long-range missile GPS-coordinate targeting and SWAT snipers involved in the war on terror, a good, old-fashioned handgun duel mixed with some savage hand-to-hand uncomplicates things in a good way. Also, this ending sets up a third season nicely. Farik gets away by the hairs on his chinny-chin-chin (rescued by a young, untested and sadistic underling who had been taunting Darwyn minutes earlier) and a wounded Darwyn is sure to be rescued by the undercover who provided him the pistol.

I guess my only real complaint is that the cell members were less interesting this year than last. The writers seemed to shorthand their development somewhat by making Salid a homosexual and having Mina raped. I was unaware of Thekla Reuten before, and she impressed me in flashes, but they let her tell too much of her own backstory to make me care about the loss of her husband or her being forced into prostitution. Her husband's death would have made a good flashback (and simultaneously served to rescue us from the Sean Astin lookalike who was breaking Darwyn's balls all season).

All in all, though, a good showing on the shoulders of Michael Ealy and Oded Fehr. I'll definitely tune in again. And I loved the 8 episodes in 8 days format. I didn't watch Season One in real time, so I guess I never knew this series aired that way. The format pretty closely approximates the benefit of watching a TV series on DVD: the cliffhanger endings are still fresh when you begin the next installment.

If you don't know, now you know...

The Wire Season 4 Finale

I went in to this season excited but somewhat skeptical. The skepticism was die in part to the featurette on the Season 3 DVDs saying 4 would revolve around the failings of the school system. It could have also been that I was coping with my grief over the death of Stringer Bell by proclaiming that "anyone stupid enough to kill the Barksdale crew's 'Chairman of the Board' couldn't have anything else to say worth listening to." Or maybe it was lingering resentment toward HBO in general for the epic letdown of The Sopranos this season. True cause aside, I had my doubts. But I was very surprised at how much I cared about the Fayetteville Mafia Crew by the time school passed out "Final Grades" this past Sunday.

A few quick hits on Season 4 -

1. Randy, Michael, DuQuan and Namond all ended up in some parallel universe that was the exact opposite of the place where they began. Namond, the biggest asshole bully of the bunch turned out to be a cowardly momma's boy who received the ultimate undeserved grace from the unlikely allies of Wee Bey and Bunny Colvin. Randy, the mannered, entrepreneurial and most cared-for of the corner boys ended up in a group home being beaten. DuQuan, the homeless and penniless but smart and most caring member of the crew ended up slangin' on the corner. Finally, Michael, the reserved, principled, protective older brother of the crew who once refused $200 from Marlo for school clothes closed the season living in a Stanfield-financed apartment, killing drug dealer at Marlo's request and being awarded Bodie's corner.
2. Bodie, Bodie, Bodie... I really hoped he would stick around and be Marlo's downfall. Slim Charles loses cool points for leaving him unprotected like that.
3. There is NO WAY Omar can survive stealing from the co-op and then selling their product back to them like that. If Deniro couldn't pull it off in Heat, Omar can't either. He goes next season... painfully. Nice re-up of 10% of the difference by Prop Joe by telling Marlo they were buying it back for 30 cents on the dollar when in fact Omar's offer was 20.
   
4. And Marlo? He has no clue what he's done putting a tail on Spiros. If Paul Ben-Victor comes back next season to restore order to the West Side, it may be the best season yet. At the very least we know someone will be losing their hands and feet.
   

NOTE TO "THE SOPRANOS": This is the consistency with which a truly great show operates. Get back to it.

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The (Rich) People's Elbow

Vegas casino magnate Steve Wynn accidentally put his elbow through Picasso's "Le Reve" for which he had just inked a $139,000,000.00 deal. Apparently he forgot to have his assistant wrap it in banded hundred stacks for protection.

*****

I originally read this story on Rob Larsen's blog at Drunkenfist.com which, incidentally, is where I learned most of what I know about Hong Kong cinema.

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Random iPod Five Star Song

Half a World Away

One of my favorites since junior high, I'm surprised I haven't heard this song playing in a movie sequence where the protagonist is shown reeling from some calamitous event and seems to be floating down a hall or a crowded metropolitan street (but is actually on a piece of plywood with roller skates attached). The steady chord progression of the organ matches Stipe's plaintive vocals which rhythmically crest and crash, crest and crash. Not in large waves, but each with enough force to frog you in the chest a little.

Sample it at Amazon or iTunes.

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Ass... Dumb Ass

Connery as Bond in a clearly identified bodega (Courtesy James Bond MulitMedia).

Sir Sean Connery "stood home" (that's gangtser talk for passing on an opportunity to make a score, riiiight?) on an offer to play Gandalf in the LOTR trilogy for a measly back end of 10-15% of the worldwide box office because... wait for it... he "did not understand the complicated plot of J.R.R. Tolkien's masterpiece."

If you don't know, now you know...

Current media consumption

The newest Spiderman 3 trailer (justification issues and all).

*****

If you're looking for an excuse to buy an external hard drive and you still like (pre-Everyday and Stand Up) Dave Matthews Band, go here.

*****

Here are a few of my recent downloads that should be on your iPod too.

1. #41 with Everyday Outro (Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds, 3.29.03)
2. If I Had a Boat (Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds, 2.6.99)(Lyle Lovett cover)
3. Warehouse (Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds, 1.25.97)
   

If you don't know, now you know...

Dwight and Salman, sittin' in a tree...

When I see someone on TV with a look and personality as distinct as Dwight from The Office, I often wonder if the person playing them is acting or if they were cast to play themselves.

Re: Rainn Wilson, who plays Dwight, I think we have our answer.

Dwight tells Salman Rusdhie to "Git 'er dun"

I have been giggling about this for days now... Dwight Shrute telling an internationally known author who has an active fatwa against him to "git 'er dun" may be the funniest and most absurd thing I have ever seen. For some reason it kinda reminds me of Family Guy. And may also be the reason why Al Qaeda thinks we're infidels.

CUIDADO! - This is a clip of Dwight/Rainn on Real Time with Bill Maher from last Friday night. If you're like me and have set a Tivo Season Pass for Real Time in order to skip the monologues, New Rules, and basically any part where Maher is jaw jacking, skip to about 2:10 to see Dwight come out while minimizing your Maher exposure.

If you don't know, now you know...

Cowabunga!

Yeah, so maybe I used to play Ninja Turtles when I was younger. So what? And maybe I was always Donatello. So what? That doesn't change the fact that I will once again be cool when this comes out.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer - video powered by Metacafe

Spiderman 3 trailer

Berry smart for you, spam gringos...

Here are some of the subject lines of the spam that was waiting for me when I returned to work after the 4^th of July holiday:

• Brittney Chavez wrote me with advice about “Your health, oblong wedgeshaped,"
• Frederic Lara attempted to contact me regarding “Order status, nut-rush,
• Oscar Aldridge clearly knows me well as he opened with, “Hi, non-Spanish,"
• Mallory Akins dropped me a courtesy correspondence about “Your cash, no-eye pea,”
• Eric Hart opened by calling me his daddy in Latin while offering me money, “Your money, pater noster,” (NOTE – this one might have worked if it hadn’t obviously come from a dude) and finally
• Ava Tomlinson must have known that I skipped lunch on the 4th in favor of some Heineken Light when she wanted to update me on my “Order Status, much-hunger.”

First of all, I am most definitely NOT oblong or even slightly wedge-shaped, so kiss my ass Brittney Chavez. And (B) My friends and I call each other some pretty creative and insulting names, but I don’t think any of us have ever tossed out a “no-eye pea” or a “nut-rush,” even during the bloodiest game of dominoes, Madden or ATV Offroad Fury 3. I’m not even sure how “nut-rush” would work into an insult… but I’m definitely going to be on the lookout for an opportunity now.

So, the question becomes… who THE FUCK would respond to, or even take seriously, an email with such non sequitur as its subject? I might even take the odds on my grandmother, who uses an eMail Station, being able to spot “phishing” with those nuanced openers. The only plausible explanation is that Land Shark must be the evil mastermind behind all this frighteningly legit spam.

For further sarcasm on this point, listen to the newest podcast at www.Czabe.com, “Really Sloppy Spam.”

If you don’t know, now you know…

The Wire Season 3 on DVD

Finally... after months and months of scouring for any hint that Season Three of HBO's The Wire was being released on DVD soon, upcomingdiscs.com, which is very cool, tells me that the release date is August 8, which is even cooler. Amazon has it releasing on the same date, so it must be legit. No cover art yet.

Incidentally, V for Vendetta is releasing on DVD the week before, on August 1st. I've already calendared a Best Buy trip for both Tuesdays.

If you don't know, now you know...

Apparently H-Town really has taken over...

It seems that Houston rap is so hot right now that it has found its way into our students' curriculum. Although I'm not sure what lesson plan this would fall under, it does make me want to bounce a little.

If you don't know, now you know...

Saturday Reading

Does anyone else watch Spiderman 2 every time it's on HBO? Definitely one of my favorite movies from the last couple of years. I can't wait for Spidey 3. Internet rumors are that there will be up to 4 villains, including Sandman, Venom and the return of the Green Goblin in the person of James Franco, the son of Willem Dafoe's Green Goblin. According to Rotten Tomatoes, some of the action scenes were filmed in Cleveland at the end of April.

*****

The trailer for the upcoming Bond movie, Casino Royale, can also be found at Rotten Tomatoes. Daniel Craig, from the British crime flick Layer Cake, is the new 007. If you haven't seen Layer Cake, youi should definitely check it out. Understated when compared to the Guy Ritchie flicks that made Jason Statham famous, but very cool.

Here's his watch, an Omega Seamaster special edition. Only 10,000 will be manufactured.

*****

The 15 People You Meet Listening to DVD Audio Commentaries, courtesy of The Onion's AV Club.

This is from 8 years ago. Only 10-12% of the country can still be unfamous at this point... and I'm one of them, even after graduating in the top 6.5% of my high school. What injustice! If only I could have been an octuplet or something.


If you don't know, now you know...

The good shit's all on vinyl anyway

I am often guilty of not taking recommendations seriously... movies, music, books, everything. Is it because I'm afraid that it will be good and I didn't find it myself and that will hurt my ego? Is it because I'm predisposed to think it will be a waste of my time? Is it because I've already got "my thing" and don't want to pollute what I know I like with something that will require me engaging a foreign subject matter? I don't know. Strangely enough, though, the people I surround myself with usually have a pretty good idea what I will like or dislike. I guess that's what a friend is.

So... what the hell am I rambling about? Well, I watched High Fidelity tonight, one of Nathan's recommendations from years ago. I had already seen it once but didn't really give it much of a chance because my singular focus at that time was Chinese film. On rewatch, though, it is a great flick. I can completely identify with the record store music snobs and the way they define people by the music they listen to. At one point in the movie, Cusack's character says, "What really matters is what you like, not what you are like. Books, records, films, call me shallow but these things matter!" I agree (to a certain extent). There's not much more exciting than meeting a perfect stranger and discovering you have a favorite artist or movie or book in common... it's like a shorthand for compatibility.

*****

Speaking of High Fidelity, Hammacher Schlemmer has a really cool vinyl-to-cd recording component by TEAC. Kinda makes me want to buy some LPs ... aaaaaaaand then rip them to my iPod.


If you don't know, now you know...

Kung Fu Panda

Been browsing IMDb a lot lately looking for something to be excited about, and found this last night:

A CG-animated comedy about a lazy, irreverent slacker panda, Po (Voiced by Jack Black), who must somehow become a Kung Fu Master in order to save the Valley of Peace from a villainous snow leopard, Tai Lung. Set in the legendary world of ancient China, this is the story of Po, our unlikely hero, who enters the rigid world of Kung Fu and turning it upside down. Po ultimately becomes a Kung Fu hero by learning that if he believes in himself, he can do anything.

Jables, Dreamworks animation AND kung fu? This has real potential. Hopefully it will be more like Shrek than Shrek 2: Retread Boogaloo.

Also, there are apparently 2 Beowulf movies in our future (both of which, hopefully, will be better than the sci-fi disaster with Christopher Lambert... even Rhona Mitra in a metal bikini couldn't salvage that one). One has been released in Canada, Iceland and the UK and is on its way to NY on July 7 of this year. Only recognized two names on the IMDb cast list, Stellan Skarsgard (as King Hrothgar) and Sarah Polley (as Selma, who I don't remember from the poem), but the rest of the names make me think that there will be an authenticity factor at play here. So much for the idea that every actor in a movie based on an epic poem, or any classic literature really, has to have a British accent.

The other is an American production due out in 2007 with Anthony Hopkins (King Hrothgar), Angelina Jolie, Brendan Gleason, Crispin Glover and John Malkovich. Star power notwithstanding, my hopes aren't as high for this one. Perhaps I'm just preparing myself for the Hollywood-ization of another epic. I'm guessing the Icelandic Beowulf is going to be the grim, realistic-feeling version where the Geats don't know kung-fu, and this one is going to be over-produced, CGI'd and slick. Plus there's very little chance of seeing Agelina nude as she's only credited with a voice part. Perhaps I shouldn't be so cynical. IMDb shows the movie to be in post-production and that Robert Zemeckis directed. If he incorporated special effects judiciously, this one could be worthwhile... but King Hrothgar will have a British accent. Ahhhh, compromise.

*****

I am still spending a good bit of time going over Season Six of The Sopranos in my mind and have come up with several fond memories, some of which I have written about here. Most of what occurs to me, though, is more missed opportunities for good storylines. Remember the Hasidic Jew with the hotel who didn't want to honor his agreement with Tony in Season One? That was a good plot point for several reasons. First, Tony's human side was explored in his conversations with Melfi about being called a "monster." Yes, there was extortion, torture and plenty of situational comedy involved, but the predominant theme was that the actions of a mobster weren't perpetrated by a cardboard cutout... Tony had feelings. Same with the Davey Scatino bust out in Season Three. It showed that not only did Tony have feelings but also that his actions had repercussions unrelated to possibly being caught by the Feds. These arcs, and others like them, lasted for several episodes each, endearing Tony to us as a human, not just as the mysterious oath-taking, Saint-burning, finger-pricking, gregarious guy who could spend his nights in a strip joint conducting bee-za-nees, sleep through lunch, eat cold cuts in his terry robe and then dish out vigilante justice to those who disrespected him or his "thing." My subconscious pieced all these Sopranos memories together today while I was driving home from work and I also remembered Tony's meeting with the Cajuns this season. That could have been a gold mine for writers and fans alike. Being Katrina-based it was topical; it gave Tony a chance to "send a message" in some creative way that would allow the writers to show they aren't recycling Goodfellas and the Godfather as so many before them have, and might have even given Cagney, Jr., a chance to take out some of his frustrations from this season with a ball peen hammer. Did we get to see any of that? Of course not.

Why do I torture myself this way?

If you don't know, now you know...

And now, we wait... again.

EPISODE 12: Kaisha

After feeding us Johnnycakes for more than half of this season, the cupboard was bare in last week's Sopranos finale. We knew it was coming, though, didn't we? Truthfully, I have re-watched the finale several times this past week mining for something, anything (aside from AJ's Rican's sweaty shoulder blades), I might have missed that would change my mind... no such luck. In fact, I can't remember an entire episode from this entire season, other than Mayham, that would even enter a discussion of my Top 10 favorite episodes of the series. Mayham, in case you're wondering, would probably be in my Top 5, and is, in my opinion, the only truly great episode of this entire season. So, yeah... I've got some negative feelings toward The Sopranos right now. I'm tired of saying that bad Sopranos is better than almost any other good TV. I shouldn't have to justify Chase's indulgences just to retain my "True Sopranos fan" badge of honor.

*****

Federico Castellucio (Furio) apparently agrees that Chase has overestimated the goodwill he has banked with fans of the show.

*****

NOT LIKELY TO BE WHACKED SOON UPDATE:

Chrissy and Johnny Sack have signed on to appear in all 8 episodes next season.

*****

On a positive HBO note, Entourage returns tonight... It's waiting for me on Tivo while I watch the Mavs punish the Heat. Is anyone else hoping to see more of Ari and Lloyd rubbing shoulders in the Fast and the Furious prop car? The "Ari McGuire" episode where he got fired last season was a riot!

If you don't know, now you know...

And he wonders why he has hip problems?!

EPISODE 10: Moe 'N Joe

Only two things happened this week to further the narrative of Season Six of the Sopranos: Johnny Sack entered a guilty plea and Vito returned to Jersey. I will freely and voluntarily admit that the Janice = Livia sidecar was worthwhile, but it can't be said to have taken us into uncharted territory. It's more of a continuation of Chase's attempt to make Janice, now that Livia is no longer with us, the person currently on TV most likely to make me punch myself in the nuts. Point taken... painfully.

As for Johnny Sack's allocution, it set the dominos in motion for what I hope is a more action-driven final two episodes. Honestly, the same can be said for Vito's returning to Jersey. No way that ends well for him... it almost feels like he's looking for suicide by cop. He wasn't happy at home, so he did what he did (ad nauseum) and now he CAN'T go home. So what does he do? Go back to Tony or Sil with hat in hand or just hole up in a rat-infested motel and kill himself? It doesn't look like even he knows yet, but if he drives by Satriale's too many more times, that decision is going to be made for him. Hopefully it happens soon, so we can get on with the war with New York and Jersey.

*****

Something strikes me as I write "hopefully something happens SOON" for the 1000th time... Chase and co. used a cinematographic device they almost never use in "Mr. and Mrs. John Sacrimoni Request": the explicit leap forward in time. After three episodes centered around Tony in the hospital, "Request" begins with Rusty Milio receiving an invitation to Allegra's wedding... fade to black... and then "SIX WEEKS LATER." This was a conceit that I questioned somewhat on our podcast (which can now be subscribed to on iTunes, by the way). It felt amateurish, unnecessary and could have been accomplished with the already existing dialogue in the episode where Tony told Melfi he had been in a hospital bed at home for a month and a half. But, it served a purpose that pleased most viewers, judging from the internet uprising against dream sequences, which was getting Tony out of the hospital and away from the coma-induced dreams. Now, my question is this: Why was this potentially lengthy but interesting storyline (and all the power-struggle/crisis at home side-stories it could have produced) truncated in this way in favor of six weeks of Johnnycakes? WTF?!?!? I would much rather have seen the fallout from Sil's failure under pressure, internal strife with a leadership vacuum while Tony rehabbed and moped (which he does well), and a horse head in Sir Ben's bed than six weeks of Vito and Morgan Spurlock shacked up in New Hampshire. The writers seem not only to have squandered an opportunity from a narrative perspective but have also done so... ahem... with no viable exit strategy.

Vito getting caught by Finn at the construction site was water cooler fodder at its finest. It produced weeks' worth of "Holy Shit! That's going to be an interesting problem to have to resolve!" But after six weeks of Vito getting his hips displaced, I really don't care how it is resolved anymore... I just want it resolved. As I've said before, my main problem with it is not that Vito is gay, but that Gannascoli is not an actor who can carry six weeks worth of primary storyline. In inimitable Chase fashion, he has left untouched Bacala's shooting the rapper to boost album sales and AJ's bungled assasination attempt on Jun, not to mention we still don't know where the Russian interior decorator is... but we get half an already short season dedicated to THIS?! At this point, I don't even want an explanation of why the writers thought this was a good idea... I just want it overwith.

*****

Johnny Sack's plea dredged up the "I can talk about by Family but them's fightin' words if you do" scenario. Just as Phil trashed Johhny at the wedding for breaking down and then toed the party line when comments were made by an outsider, this episode showed Tony and Sil doing the same thing. They renounced Johnny as a friend and man of honor, but when Sal Vitro referred to him as "guilty" the stonewalling commenced.

Nice Fila track suit on Tone, by the way. I gotta get one of those. Or I could just start a Sopranos Fila Track Suit Counter, like the guy who does the Sopranos F-Bomb Counter.

If you don't know, now you know...

Live from the Pine Barrens is a Go

Finally, after much weeping, rending of garments and gnashing of teeth, my boy Nate D-O-Double has come through with a great new site where we will post our podcasts... Check it out.

LIVE FROM THE PINE BARRENS

Also, found a comprehensive history of the DiMeo (Soprano) Crime Family on Wikipedia. Nicely done.

If you don't know, now you know...

Link: Mel Kiper's NFL Draft Drinking Game

How pissed am I that I didn't find this before the draft?

If you don't know, now you know...

This isn't Gwyneth Paltrow's head is it?

EPISODE 8: Johnnycakes

Skipped last week for time reasons and was tempted to skip this week based on not being able to remove my head from the commode after seeing Vito's "afternoon delight" with Morgan Spurlock. However, watching AJ pretend to be Frank White with everyone acting like his best friend until the tab came (or until they needed to break an apartment lease and still get their deposit back) revived another Sopranos memory for me... Tony's image of the "dancing bear."

AJ got a taste of what it's like to be on display this week, just as Tony did when Cusamano and his band of Merry Boardroom Dipshits pretended, in the massively genius episode "A Hit is a Hit," that the books of their Country Club were going to be opened soon just to get Tony on the golf course and jack him up with questions about John Gotti and the realism of The Godfather trilogy.

Other analogous situations are Christopher's forays into the movie business, Artie's attempt to invest in the French liquer that probably never existed and Paulie's being completely out of sorts in Italy in the episode "Commendatori." In short, when a Sopranos character tries to operate outside the area into which he has compartmentalized himself, the consequences are simultaneously funny and revealing. Chase's point seems to be that, even though these characters are, for the most part, big fish, New Jersey is a relatively small pond, and none of them are above looking lost or being treated with a lack of respect. Even the Eighth Wonder of the World, who could wreck shop on 3 T. Rexes while swinging from huge vines and juggling Ann Darrow between his hands and feet, had no chance once he was taken out of his natural habitat.

Tony may be the Boss of Jersey, but "the mayonnaises" are more interested in John Gotti, a preening, high profile former Boss from New York, who talked his way into prison for the rest of his life. AJ may be the son of the Boss of Jersey, but the idiots he surrounds himself with just want him around to get them into places that wouldn't lift the velvet rope otherwise and, once they ride his coattails in, they show their gratitude by letting him pick up the tab. Christopher may be a Captain and be like God to the dopeheads and degenerate gamblers in Jersey, but Jon Favreau and Ben Kingsley give two shits about Jersey. Even Paulie, when the guys go to Italy on bee-za-nees, can't find any friends in the old country other than putan's.

It really plays out as an illustrative sub-theme of Chase's primary theme, which is that people's personal lives can be so complex that mob life may actually easier to manage, and that, while the characters are in a line of business that most of us are unfamiliar with, their lives consist of the same bullshit we all have to deal with on a daily basis. Very cool, and an arguably more powerfully delivered message since, if you look close enough, Chase is preaching the opposite of what the Italian anti-def people and detractors of The Godfather harp on. This is not a glorification of Italian mafiosi, actually quite the opposite. These are real people, who just happen to have a very different job/lifestyle than the rest of us, but who also have shitty cell service, wives and kids who bust their balls and co-workers they can't stand. They too do dumb things for love or to hurt those they love. They too stereotype Middle Easterners as Al-Qaeda, eat cold cuts out of the fridge and are momentarily paralyzed with a knee to the nuts... and then they go slice people up in the back room of a butcher shop and feed them to junkyard dogs.

*****

On a related note, good news for gamers! The Sopranos video game was announced today and is slated for an October release on XBox and PS2. Obviously they hope to buy us off for the next decade while Chase and Co. tinker with the final season, but I'm not even going to pretend like I won't buy it.

*****

Favorite line from the past 2 weeks? "Enjoy ya success!" Little Carmine "The Belt Buckle" Lupertazzi, not knowing what else to say to Lauren Bacall, but knowing she's important enough to be respectful to.

If you don't know, now you know...

11th Hour Draft Shakeup: Bush to Ain'ts

Damn! Although the Houston Texans aren't my favorite NFL team, I was selfishly hoping they would take Reggie Bush with the 1st pick of this year's draft so that I might be able to catch him in person a time or two this season. And, although I'm not going to lose any sleep over it, the armchair GM in me still wonders why they didn't trade down to stockpile another pick or two. The demand for Reggie must not have been as high as most people thought in a pick-for-pick(s) trade. Makes sense with the Saints representing that they were not actively looking for a RB (although they must have had their fingers crossed pretty tight to have Reggie fall into their lap) and the Titans in dire need of a QB if they want to be able to continue to mistreat McNair, but I was very surprised the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets didn't move up to get Reggie and let the Texans move down for Mario or D'Brick. Mario may have gone to the Saints in a move-down scenario, but D'Brick would have still been there at 4, and H-town could have helped their big picture by increasing their number of picks. According to the Pick Value Chart, the difference between the 1st and 4th pick is 1200 points. So the Jets would have had to give up their other 1st Rounder (29th pick) and their first 2nd Rounder (35th pick) to get to 1190 points. The Texans probably wanted something else thrown in for the price of poker, but the Jets still would have had a 3rd, two 4ths, a 5th and a 7th left, so I'm thinking they screwed the pooch on this one but, like I said, I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. The only effect it has on me is that my boys have to play Reggie twice a year, but I'm thinking Monte Kiffin can handle it.

Speaking of the Bucs, they picked up some much needed help on the O-line, some youth on the D-line and a monster receiver in former Nittany Lion Maurice Stovall, who fell to the third round. Mo was somewhat overshadowed by the Great White Hope, Jeff Samardzija, last year, but managed nearly a 17 yard per catch average and has great size (6'4"/220). On top of that, he played against some real competition last year, including Michigan, USC, Tennessee and The Ohio State University, and while strength of college schedule is not something that gets a lot of PT from "Pompadour" Mel Kiper, it is a decent predictor of the amount of time it will take a player to acclimate to the speed, skill and ferocity of the NFL game.

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What's a guy gotta do ta get some Johnnycakes over here?

EPISODE 6: Live Free or Die

Been extra busy this week so this entry is definitely in arrears (not in a Vito kind of way). A few quick hits:

• I forgot how hard Chrissy's "important bidness" walk makes me laugh. Check out the way he hoofs it into the Bing to tell Tony about meeting Sal's cousin from Yonkers at AA.

• Another Chris classic in this episode comes when he's talking to the "third party" who's going to outfit the Neapolitan "tailors" with some "scissors." Chrissy laughs off the talk about Vito at first, but then admits that there could be some truth to the rumor. He says, "Some guys went down to the Shore to see him; he was with his goomar... As soon as he saw 'em he took off like a bat on a hill." A bat on a hill?! Nice. On a side note, the Episode Guide on the official website calls the third party "heroin addict Corky Caporale." And it looks like he will be more than a bit player as IMDB suggests his role will be protracted over at least 2 more episodes. I don't know about Corky, he may fold under questioning.
  

• Hadn't heard of Johnnycakes before, but then again I've never been to New Hampshire. They could have been fictionalized just to add to the gay theme by having Vito say, "Give me the Johnnycakes," to Morgan Spurlock. Who knows? Who cares? I'm ready for the decision on Vito to be made one way or the other. Joseph Gannascoli got on my nerves WAY before they made him a leering, Finn-harassing, construction worker-blowing Village Person.

• Finally, and most importantly, Tony really has found his Ojibwe roots if he thinks he can just say "I'm the boss and I say he gets a pass," and have his whole Family toe the party line on Vito. No chance in hell. Not saying he's wrong, but that whole world revolves around the perception of respect, and Jersey is already being pushed around by New York. First rule of holes? Stop digging.

If you don't know, now you know...

A Guy's Guide to Throwing your Boss Under the Bus

EPISODE 5: Mr. and Mrs. John Sacrimoni Request...

Ok, I give up. After five seasons of this, one would think I would know better than to try and predict Chase's story arc, particularly based off of scenes from the next. It turns out that it was Johnny Sack's voice asking Tony for help (I orginally thought it was Phil) and when Phil says "Our friend there... John wants him gone," he's actually talking about Rusty Millio (Frankie Valli) instead of Tony. I still believe there will ultimately be a war between NY and NJ, but, based on this week's developments, it could go in a completely different direction. So here I am, in the same paragraph where I have sworn off predictions, trudging out on another limb. Chew on this potential storyline for a bit, though:

Phil was clearly talking out of school after Johnny's involuntary perp walk in front of Allegra's guests. Even Tony, who, like the rest, practices situational ethics when it comes to following mob guidelines, felt the need to defend Johnny against Phil's insults. For a brief moment, Phil seemed to recognize that a line may have been crossed in his response to the "outsider" who commented on Johnny's plight, but then went directly back to his rant. Of course Chrissy, who can always be trusted to be himself (i.e. one whose impulsivity lets those outside the Family know what he is thinking), agrees with Phil, and Tony's frustration is evident. However, now that Phil, who appears to be the acting boss while Johnny Sack is a guest of the government, has a lesser opinion of Johnny, could it be that he will rise up in mutiny against Johnny? If so, the story could play in several different ways. First, Phil could have designs on the top spot himself. If he ascended to the throne, he would have no one within the Family with the power to overrule his vendetta against Jersey for Tony B.'s actions last season and the further insult of his not being allowed to avenge his brother himself. I think this is less likely because, as of now, his power appears to come from his proximity to Johnny and not from his own leadership abilities.

A more likely scenario could be Phil, knowing that Rusty would have more support than himself as successor to Johnny, allies himself with Rusty and ousts Johnny. In this circumstance, all he would have to do in order to carry out his blood grudge against Jersey would be whisper in Rusty's ear that Tony accepted the contract on Rusty. Then Diminished-Capacity Tony would have put his whole Family at risk by caving to Johnny Sack again (the first being his agreement on the Barone Sanitation sale), and for what... because in his condition it wasn't worth arguing over? We'll have to wait and see but, while it's probable that I will be sheepishly retracting this theory next week, either of these scenarios would bring a fair bit of action to our Sunday nights.

Speaking of Chrissy being Chrissy, as much as he loves movies, shouldn't he brush up on his I's and II's? First, in Season One, it was "Louis" Brasi who slept with the fishes after he killed Email, and now no Italian can refuse a request from a man whose daughter is getting married? He's clearly spending too much time renting "Kundun" and waiting for Scorsese at red carpets and too little time worrying about following what amounts to racketeer scripture. This young generation has no respect.

***

A few other thoughts on this week's episode...

First, to return to a previous observation, the guys are pretty much done with their sympathy for Tony. I said before, in my review of Mayham, that the writers have quite realistically handled people's short attention spans for those situations that don't directly affect them. Of course, Tony's health affects who the guys kick up to, but not their health or overall well-being, in their minds anyway. Tony as the boss of Jersey is the best thing that ever happened to most of these dolts, but a guy like Vito is talking with Larry Barese about taking over? Please! I am done with Vito altogether, and it looks like the writers are as well. He can't unring the bell of being caught in the gay bar, so it's only a matter of time. With the combination of Tony's weakened state, his focus on reasserting his dominance, and Jersey's step-child status in relation to New York, a face-saving decision on Vito is an easy one, assuming he hasn't taken care of the problem in that hotel room already. My original point on this, though, was that Tony was at the pork store poker game for all of 3 minutes before the guys were ready to talk about something... anything... other than his surgery and condition. And Chrissy, with his mine's-bigger-than-yours scar contest? The first of Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power is never outshine the master, but I guess a mobster who can't quote Part I accurately probably hasn't read that either.

Finally, I have read countless opinions this week on why Tony picked "Penne Arrabiata" to make an example out of in Satriale's. Alan Sepinwall with the Star-Ledger sums up the three most popular in his column this week:

Perry was the ideal choice for three reasons: 1) his physique (making the victory more impressive), 2) he was the only guy in the room hot-headed enough to fight back (ibid), and 3) he's really just an overgrown kid ('My mom says I should count 10, but I never remember') with muscles but no street smarts.

I would add one to the top of that list and make those 1(b)(c) and (d). While those are all good reasons, and backed up by the camera (as Tony) sizing everyone up, I think the primary reason is that Perry is the only one in the room who isn't a made guy. Of course, Tony has put his hands on a made guy before (Ralphie, after he had beat the stripper to death and disrespected the Bing), but that was out of rage. This was a premeditated move on Tony's part. He took to heart Melfi's admonishment to show the guys he's still himself and, when it doesn't require too much effort, Tony tries to avoid breaking mob rules without casue. He showed us earlier in the episode, albeit gently, that he thought Phil was out of line when sharing his thoughts about Johnny Sack in public.

Finally, based on the expressions of the crew once Tony was finished, am I the only one who felt a twinge that his plan may have backfired? Maybe not. Maybe it was just extreme enough to rein them back in, without making him appear unstable and untrustworthy. However, if a war with NY starts and Tony wavers at all or they think he is too unstable to win it, we could see Jersey rise up against its boss as well. I realize that these are all doomsday scenarios, but the show has a finite amount of time left to tie up its loose ends, so something drastic could happen... and soon. Of course Chase will either (A) do the exact opposite of everything I have surmised or (B) never mention it again. Oh well...

Just for giggles, here's a link to another Star Ledger writer, Matt Zoller Seitz. He was the Sopranos beat writer for the first three seasons and continues to weigh in each week in his blog. The comments function as a great message-board-style dialogue.

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Link of the Fu@&in' Day

Sopranos weekly f-bomb counter ... They kiss their mothers with those mouths?

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Dateline: Outrageous phone bills

Wonder if this guy forgot that text messages aren't included in the base plan? And how many times do you get caned for 218 trillion dollars worth of theft of service if you get 4 lashes for egging cars?

Phil Ivey is my hero.

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Dateline: A Cave Somewhere

Osama blooper reel leaked to Al Jazeera.

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The greatest song ever recorded

Sha La La (Make Me Happy)

Not sure when this next week's Sopranos entry will be posted. Nathan and I are working on a Sopranos/cigars/music/poker/movies/golf etc. podcast, so it may be later in the week or I may just post a link to the mp3. In the mean time, put the above song on repeat and resist getting your boogie on. I dare you.

Order the CD from Amazon or iTunes.

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Do YOU know what YOUR EBITDA is?

EPISODE 4: The Fleshy Part of the Thigh

OK, Cagney, Jr., is officially off the reservation. Extorting the Clown Prince of Garbage without Tony's blessing? Plus the fact that Tony may or may not remember in the future whose voice was on the other side of Finnerty's hotel room wall. Plus Cagney's internal turmoil over his aunt/mother's hoo-ah status, and the advantage his mother/aunt took of how great a son he is. Some pretty dark days lie ahead for Cags... which is disappointing. If he gets whacked, all we'll be left with for comic relief is Sil's Michael Corleone bit, which is only slightly more Al than the knockoff they put in the Godfather video game when Al didn't participate in the voice acting. So I guess we should be thankful for Cagney's explanation to Barone-ito of "Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, Depreciation and Amortization," because, Mother of Mercy!... it may be the end of Little Rico. I'm steeling myself to this evntuality in advance, in case I've got company when he gets called to that big sit-down in the sky.

If anyone needs to get whacked, it's Janice's narcoleptic ex. Not real happy about his return. In fact, actively unhappy. If he absolutely had to come back, the least they could do for us is let him fall asleep standing up and concuss himself on the hospital floor. That would kick ass.

On another WTF note... Sil just shows up in Tony's waiting room again with his inhaler? If that's the end of it, then his cracking under the pressure of being Boss story line was a serious McGuffin. Chase and Co. missed (or purposefully opted out of) a chance to more clearly underscore the difficulty of Tony's daily life as compared to that of his co-mafiosi by drawing out Silvio's failure over another episode or two by having Tony or other Family members comment on it. Or having New York decide to attack based on the weakened state of both Tony and Sil. It may have repercussions yet, but if not, it's a big miss. Silvio going down under the pressure of a disagreement between Bacala and Vito? In terms of middle-management power bases within the Family, those 2 are non-issues Tony could have dispatched from his comatose state. Could be that Chase meant to use that scenario to illustrate family pressure on work performance. Sil's wife was pushing him pretty hard to ascend to the throne, which he eschewed immediately. Possibly the biggest source of my surprise regarding the whole situation is that, to this point in the show, Sil has been a rock. He has delivered plenty of unpleasant rulings on Tony's behalf, most recently (and with dire consequence) the decision to deny Eugene's retirement request, advised on important decisions in times of both war and peace and has killed repeatedly: Chucky Signore, Uncle Jun's right hand man before Mikey "It's not Bra-ooon" Palmice, Jimmy Altieri, the rat-capo who flipped after the same arrest where Puss was flipped, then Puss himself and last, but not least, Adrianna.

Congratulations are due Baccala, I guess, for getting the Family into the PR consulting business in helping promote the career of an upcoming rapper by capitalizing on current popularity trends in the entertainment business. Apparently Treach is down to get rich or die tryin'.

Finally, this week, for all the questions it raised in my mind, illuminated the impending war between New Jersey and New York. Tony's diminished mental capacity, which we were prepared for by the doctor who played Rachel's dad on Friends, led to some very un-Tony-like behavior in this episode. Old Tony, even from the first episode of this season before he was Malanga'd, would never have let Pastor Bob come into a room with him and Chris and Hesh to discuss spiritual matters. And Old Tony definitely NEVER would have said, "There's enough garbage for everybody," to anyone outside his own family. Barone Sanitation has been a New Jersey staple since the first season and it has never even been hinted that New York had a piece, that I can remember, until this week. Not to mention the fact that he came out and told the nurse that his mind had been "running away with him" since he awoke. The previews for this coming Sunday show Phil and Johnny Sack talking about Tony's weakened state, and Phil says, at one point, that Johnny has mandated that someone (who we may fairly assume is Tony) has got to go. Looks like things are about to get very interesting. A good opportunity for Chrissy to implement his "DEFCON-4-bazookas-under-each-arm-Say-Hello-
to-my-Little-Friend" approach? He needs something to occupy his time with no Ade or smack in his life these days. An opportunity to see Carmela assume the Connie Corleone role? She was rather forward with her counsel to Tony on the untrustworthy nature of Cagney and Vito.

Sunday can't get here fast enough.

If you don't know... now you know.

Did I leave my conductor's hat over here?

Episode 3: Mayham

We are introduced, at the beginning of this episode, to Cagney Jr.'s 59th Cadillac of the series. No shit. He has had a Seville (with a Godfather horn, no less), multiple Devilles with various ragtops depending on mood at time of "purchase," an El Dorado, probably a Catera (I'm sure he tells everybody it's his ma's) and now a CTS. This son of a bitch goes through Cadillacs like The Matrix Reloaded.

As for the episode itself, it hit the Sopranos trifecta. Started with a score, the likes of which we haven't seen since Cagney, Jr., separated Juan Valdez from his donkey in Season One. Come to think of it, we haven't seen any of the name players get his hands dirty over a score like this, with the possible exception of Chrissy, since that episode. You remember it, right? Paulie and Pussy dressed up like Mario and Luigi and pretended to deliver a refigerator to the Colombian's apartment and delivered a message instead.

The next crucial element of this successful Sopranos episode was scatological humor. Star Ledger? 50 cents. Cup of hospital coffee? 1 dollar. Sil, the acting "king," making rulings from the "throne?" Priceless. We haven't seen bathroom situational humor like that since GiGi died in the can trying to pass a turkey after Thanksgiving a few seasons ago, which I'm still kinda pissed about, no pun intended. I liked GiGi. He really looked the part without being as stereotypically cartoonish as Bacala or the squarehead who played Albert Barese. Yeah, I know my man-crush on Cagney, Jr., is inconsistent with that last statement, but he's a good actor and some of that goombah stuff is necessary for realism. Plus he gets all the good lines and he got to bang Turkleton's wife from Scrubs.

Finally, the third element of the Sopranos trifecta is a well executed (i.e., non-laborious) dream sequence. I'm not as anti-dream as a lot of people I know, but the ol' patience was starting to wear a little thin with (kev)IN FINNE(r)TY. Yeah, I typed it like that on purpose. If you give accent to the capital letters (or just pronounce his name like a New Jersey Italian), the word INFINITY definitely jumps out at you. However, two of the dream sequences in this episode were flawless. First, paralleling Tony's Cagney-Jr.-induced blood pressure spike with Infinnety banging on the wall in his room at Cagney, Jr.'s, muffled voice was pure genius. Cagney, Jr., has always been the lovable, punch-lining, painfully blunt, OCD homicidal maniac we can't help but love, but remember Tony's bitching to Melfi about the Christmas newsletter he puts out every year with updates on his nieces and nephews? That was immediately following another Tony dream where he shot Paulie as they were playing cards in a warehouse. If Tony comes out of this coma with any sort of clear memory of whose voice he heard on the other side of that hotel room wall, it could spell oogats for Paulie.

And then there's the masterfully done scene at the Infinnety Family Reunion. Tony B. as the gate-keeper, the threat of Livia in the doorway and Maedo's voice in the trees calling Tony home. Almost enough to make the Captain mist up at the thought of Tony actually letting go of the briefcase and following Livia into the "reunion." The conflicted why-don't-you-love-me-because-I-love-you-even-though-
you-tried-to-have-me-whacked look that Gandolfini patented while Livia was still alive came out of retirement. I'm telling you, if the big one hit and all I could take into a bunker with me was my TV/DVD combo and my Sopranos DVDs, I wouldn't miss a single thing from the outside world. Well, maybe stuffed crust pizza, but I could get over that before I could get over not seeing Tony, Carm and Christafuh "I Though You Said 'I Was Alright, Spider'" Moltisanti ever again.

One final note... I think this episode handled very realistically people's short-lived sympathy and tendency to begin to look past someone once they are out of commission for just a few days. Vito, with his machinations on the top spot. Cagney, Jr., taking Carmela's name in vain. Chrissy telling Tony he is owed another shot at the movie biz. It not only illustrated the normal person's tendency to focus on themselves even in the midst of someone else's crisis but also underscored the truly greedy and selfish nature of these guys we see in a romantic light week in and week out.

Looks like Tony comes out of his state with a vengeance next week, though... Can't wait.

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I want to marry Edie Falco

EPISODE 2: Join the Club

The picture above says it all. Edie Falco continues to show her limitless range as the embattled mob wife, going from the terrified breakdown shown above to narrating most of her courtship with Tony while alone in the hospital room to her smirking disbelief at the Detective's intimation that Tony, because he's in the rackets, was somehow involved in the Kennedy assasination. So, yeah, I'm in love.

Michael Imperioli is the third best actor on the series (after Falco and Gandolfini), which is an endorsement of the ridiculously stacked nature of the cast overall. Chase has been relentlessly flinging shit at Imperioli's character for six seasons now (getting shot, addiction to drugs, his later rehab and recovery, Tony serving up the man who killed his father, winter hikes in the Pine Barrens, his "breakup" with Adrianna, and now the uncertainty surrounding Tony, his surrogate father). Last time he threw him a bone was in Season One when he let him shoot bakery-boy in the foot. 'Bout time for another one.

The Star Ledger has a wealth of articles on the new episodes... here's one by Alan Sepinwall that does more justice to all the symbolism in this episode than I have time for tonight.

FAVORITE LINES:

Best Cagney, Jr., line of the season so far? "Van Helsing, let's go!" (if you missed this episode or missed this line, three guesses who he's talking to, and the first two don't count)

Best non-Cagney line of the season so far? "My husband was three years old!" (Carm telling the Detective to eat the peanuts when he mentions Uncle Jun was babbling about the Kennedy assasination while being brought in for shooting Tony)

Best line of dialogue I said out loud at the TV so far this season? "So you're saying your husband was NOT involved, ma'am?" (What the Detective was probably thinking in response to Carm's above quote)

If you don't know, now you know...

CAZZA DI MALANGA!!!

SEASON 6 PREMIERE: Members Only

SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This season came out of the gate faster than Pie O' My! Two rats gone, both of which the Family didn't know about and one of which we didn't even know about, and just when we think they've showed us everything new they're going to for the night... BAMMM! Tony gets Malanga'd by a demented Uncle Jun! I haven't felt that gut-punched by a TV show since Chrissy got got by the Two Stooges coming out of the diner.

Tony's shooting is definitely consistent with the Sopranos' original theme about intersecting family/Family lives though. Junior has become the antagonist who has dementia to hide his jealousy/hatred/greed/general-Soprano-discontent behind (even though, strangely enough, he's not related to Livia by blood; maybe it really is a curse), and whose age and declining condition makes Tony just nostalgic enough not to cut him off no matter what he does. Junior and Livia always did seem to have their hatred for Tony in common, but even after all he went through with Livia, Tony's memories of throwing a baseball with Uncle Jun as a kid always seem to win out, no matter how many times Jun reminds him that he "never had the makings of a varsity athlete."

As fired up as I am to have the Boys back, I've got to take the time here to thank David Chase for not subjecting us to Janice's pregnancy and, most importantly, her delivery. The only thing I can think of worse than seeing her nasty-ass Rolling Stone boobs in labor is... well... NOTHING. I can't think of a single damn thing worse than that... "Pre-Raphaelite" locks or no.

If you don't know, now you know...

Whaddaya hear, whaddaya say?

All is almost right with the world again! It seems like Paulie Walnuts' wings have flown south for at least 5 winters since the last new episode, but Tony and the Family come back in just a few hours. I'll do a season premiere review afterwards; until then I'll be watching some of my favorite episodes for calisthenics. Here are a couple of the ones I'll be warming up with:

1. 46 Long (Season 1): Tony's Chirikawas rob a truck line protected by Uncle Jun... twice. The second time Brendan acts alone after a sit-down between Tony and Uncle Jun where they are ordered to make restitution and stay away from the trucking company. Best line is delivered by Tony to Mikey Palmice. "Too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckfaceitis. They find a cure yet?"
   
2. Full Leather Jacket / From Where to Eternity (Season 2): Full Leather Jacket ends with the hit by Drinkwater and Gismonte on Chrissy and fades to black with the hospital respirator sound effect. I can still remeber how tight my chest felt when this one first aired and ended that way. From Where to Eternity has some uncharacteristically good acting by Drea de Matteo ("one boo-yaa hottie!") and a series best performance by Paulie (a/k/a James Cagney, Jr.). His efforts to interpret Chrissy's dream about going to hell, where Italians are outnumbered by Irishmen and all the whack-ees get hit again at midnight each night, are classic. Plus his goomah is Dr. Turkleton's wife on Scrubs, which I didn't remember.
   
3. Pine Barrens (Season 3): Chrissy and Cagney, Jr., attempt a pick-up from a mad Russian "interior decorator" who claims to wash his balls with ice-water. There's an incident with a you-nee-bersal ree-mote and then all hell breaks loose. If you don't know the rest, go buy Season 3 and watch this one before 8 p.m. You won't regret it. Best line? Cagney, Jr., when explaining the situation to Tony - "The package hit Chrissy with an implement."

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We Three Kings be stealin' the gold!

I honestly can't belive that I forgot how much ass this movie kicks! Marky Mark, Danny Ocean and Ice Crube team up to bring us the infamous Iraqi ass-map, C4-strapped Nerf footballs, bulls stepping on land mines, Jamie Kennedy getting pantsed and a soundtrack that includes Public Enemy... I mean, come on!?! I did almost turn it off about 10 minutes in when it cuts to Daniel Ocean's first big scene and it looks like he's breaking Joan Cusack off a chunk. HOWEVER, it turned out to be that younger chick who is almost equally as annoying, but was not, in fact, Joan Cusack. IMDB says the young doppleganger's name is Judy Greer. If you tend to watch movies for enjoyment purposes, like I do, avoid both like the plague.

As detestable as Joan Cusack is, it's almost impossible to comprehend the fact that she's Martin Blank's sister. Grosse Pointe Blank may be the only movie I've ever not turned off as soon as her screeching, beak-mouthed, high-waisted ass hit the screen. Irrefutable proof that the combination of Minnie Driver and a stout 80's soundtrack could turn jumper-cables-to-the-satchel torture into a crawfish boil... and yes, I realize that only works if you like crawfish. I do like crawfish, so it's funny to me. And that's pretty much the point of this whole blog deal, right? To amuse yourself?

Best line of Three Kings? "Aww man... I didn't join the Army to pull to pull paper out of people's asses." - PFC Conrad Vig

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Al Green is in fact love

See? It says so right there on his album cover! You can't really have opinions about the truth, so recognize. Also, Al Green is the truth. Well, he hasn't put that album out yet, I heard it's on the way, so stay tuned! Anyway, the point here is that if you don't have any Al in your life, you don't have any love OR any truth, which sucks for you. So go get some Al... now... seriously...

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